This is Love

If honesty was everything, then here we go...

So for the past weekend
i had attended my second Koinonia retreat
and oh my goodness
what words can't describe what i've seen.

Let's take this day by day, shall we?

Day ONE

Just got home from school, ran around the house to make some last minute packing.
Left my report card on the counter for my parents to see,
then out I go.

I grabbed my acoustic guitar, walked to church, met with the rest of the worship gang
and we packed everything in the cars, and headed on our way.

Quite the trip, eating Wendy's, listening to music, almost falling asleep, getting somewhat lost.

We got to Elim Lodge, set up, practised the first worship set, and waited.

As the attendees started to walk in (an hour late at that) we began, ran through the rules, etc etc.

Everyone's a little shaken from the bus ride, I could kind of tell.
But for the first devotion, we talked about choosing not to wake up out of bed, being cold to the world.

Then we played some quick games, ate some snacks, grab some cup noodles, and headed to our cabins, which were a little too luxurious in my opinion.

Ate up, dressed up, head to pillow.

Day TWO

Wake up at 6 15, for worship team prayer meeting.
Got to hear the beginning of honesty and opening, what I've been praying for.

Had our devotion for the day, this time about being lukewarm, which we all know results into being spat out.

The breakfast. My goodness, like heaven on earth, but again, a little too much luxury. But still, it was amazing.

Had our first sermon by our special white speaker with a goatee. Cool guy.
It was about spiritual warfare, and how we need faith to block the firing arrows.

Then we played this one long game, where everyone had to write an embarrassing command on a sheet of paper, hand it in, then be given someone else's command. I had to do a high school musical jump, so not that embarrassing.

Then lunch. Again, amazing, but almost too amazing.

Then we had workshops. I chose to go to a workshop about relationships, in a broad perspective. Relationships with you and many different kinds of people. I was reminded of the problems that I had with certain relationships I have. Keep reading.

Then we had free time. I felt bad for missing out on my daily poem writing, so I wrote two that day, each about each day that has happened so far. Then a snowball fight, which I clearly am amazing at. But next time, I'm bringing better shoes.

Then dinner, which I missed out mostly on because of worship practise prior to dinner.

Counsellor surprise... we just played sardines. Haha, me and Sam went scouting after we found the counsellors, to see how many people were left by hiding. Band of Brothers for the ftw. Rolling on the floor ROFL-ing.

Then this is the best part.

CANDLELIGHT SHARING.

This is where I saw how God answered my prayers, with so much more than I actually had in mind. As the candlelight went around we all shared something about ourselves. Anything really.
First round, I just briefly explained myself and a bit about my church history. When I passed it on, I began to think again my problem, my struggle that I had been fighting through for the longest time.

I will be honest, as I feel that if someone reads this and relates to it, they'll know they're not the only one.

This is how it goes. I'm a very fragile person, and I hate arguments. If I get into a heated argument, my whole day just falls apart. So this one time, my dad and I had got into a pretty bad one, and it was worse because my mom took his side, like how I always thought it was. An unfair battle between my parents and I, as I had always thought it was.

I had gone home that same day, and I thought to myself...

"Simon, you constantly get into fights with your parents, and you almost never win. You're always looked down by them, even though you do everything you can to keep that sense of respect high. You always fail at that. Your sisters are gone, so you have nothing to go home to, no one to speak with about anything, and everything. Even your friends sometimes don't care about you, even at fellowship. Like those times when you get into arguments with a certain person, and you always lose to them because he always seems to get the vote of everyone else in the fellowship. You're all alone Simon, all alone.

"So Simon, what are you going to do then? You don't belong where you are now. So what? Just run away. Not metaphorically run away. RUN AWAY FROM HOME SIMON. RUN AWAY."

I never knew what to say to my own thoughts. I remember spending some days in my bedroom thinking to myself, "Simon, if you ran, what would you pack up?" But I knew that I couldn't run, because I know it would kill my parents. I love them, but I can't take all the crap that I get from them.

Basically, I had no idea where I belonged. I had no idea who I was as a person. I had felt that I was alone everywhere I went, even at home and fellowship, the two places that someone should feel the most comfortable at. I felt nothing close to love there. I felt worthless, like a failure. A total, complete, dirty piece of trash by the roadside.

Nothing I could do to it. And I hated keeping certain feelings in, so I shared, the second time the candle came around. I was interrupted though, by a close friend of mine. He told me that I wasn't worthless, that my identity was found in God. I knew that, but I couldn't get myself to really believe it. Then another person spoke up, and he told me that he knew that the person I was talking about (the one where everyone in the fellowship took his side) was him. And he apologized for everything, because he felt like... I don't know, but right then and there, I began to weep.

I had nothing else to say, because the problem was what it was. All I could really manage to pull out of my mouth was that I wanted to see some kind of love again, because I haven't seen yet lately, which is not good. So I stopped rambling, and passed the candle, still crying. Two of my other close friends beside me began to comfort me, and they just kept telling me over and over, "Simon, you are worth something, you are so important, this fellowship wouldn't be the same without you," and the one I wanted to hear the most, "Simon, we love you..."

Love...

The person I passed the candle to had given me even more assurance, telling me that I was a friend he had the privilege to know, that he always had unreal times with, to be synonymous to. I don't mention this because I want to prove something to you. I'm saying this to prove something to myself.

Thank you, all of you. I've seen love again.

God continued to answer, as so many people began to speak up about their life, their struggles, and I realized that we as a fellowship are so frail, so broken, but we all had one common goal, to find and seek God. Even the most unlikely of people that I had thought would never really speak up, spoke up. I saw for myself what it meant to be a fellowship. A church. A group of Christians.

The day was night, and I had grown weary and tired, so after the sharing had finished, I went straight to bed.

Day THREE

Wake up again too early for my health.

But this day was a chance to see happiness again. We had our last devo about conquering sin, living life, being on fire, and we challenged ourselves to take everything we've heard and seen to our outside lives. This is our life challenge from now on.

We had our last sermon, which was about suffering, and how we need it in order to survive, to learn. Perfect what had just happened. Absolutely perfect.

We had brunch, which I still couldn't finish because of breakfast from the day before.

Then we packed up, clean up our rooms, and headed for the chapel.

We took LOADS of group pictures, by grade, worship team, full fellowship picture, and many others.

From there, it was free time, then we headed home.

I didn't wanna go home though. The whole weekend was too good, and going home would be going back to my boring life that I once felt had nothing special about it. But that's the challenge I guess.

So, with a semi-lost voice, a weekend too short to really grasp, and a heart now put back together...

God, my prayer this time is for us as a fellowship, as Koinonia, to continue being open, but not only that. To be open, ALL the time, every week. God, that we may be so open and vulnerable with each other, and that we'd be able to pass that ability to the ones in our fellowship that couldn't go with us. That my relationships with my friends and family would continue to develop in You, that we'd get so lost in you, that we'd have to find You to find them.

God, that I may know that I'm worth something in your eyes, that I may know that I am loved after all.

Amen.

-Simon