i've gotta say

you're awfully good at hiding the truth, and not sticking to it. i have to give you credit for being able to shy away from yourself a bit and show me what was left of you to me without me noticing for so long. and after nearly beating yourself down, vowing not to commit to anything for five years or so, i'm surprised you fell right back into that empty promise within a year. who would've known. i certainly didn't.

and it's here that i not only begin to question you, but hypocrisy as a whole. why do people consider saying one thing and acting on something else a luxury? why do people consider this act an escape, a second chance? only God knows what we're up to in our hearts.

until then, i hope things are going will with you and your faces of attraction.

the momentum of your flash start picks me up

so it's funny, i sort have left this blog on a rather negative note. just wanted to update it and say that things have resolved. haha.

a bit of an update on myself, perhaps.

things have been picking up and moving along, and i the spectator and doer follow along, with not much choice, since time doesn't like to wait for me. but i love time like that, because i bear a stark resemblance to it, which indirectly means i'm not the leader here.

school has been up and down. marks follow suit. i've been so scaringly motivated by them that i made a bet with my physics teacher. if i get an 85 on my physics practical, she has to dress a gangster for a whole day. if i don't get that 85, i have to clean up the class room and the chem labs. sounds fair.

WTF, WTF, WTF. (that means what the focus.) that event has been climbing on my back for the past while and it's been hitting me on the head with a reminding hammer. regardless of whether we've on the ball or not, i know that God will provide. i can feel it happening already.

but with the new year fresh in the air, and growing old coming soon, time passes by rather quickly. i realize that time doesn't exactly heal all things. the same personality flaws i fight with everyday, so i guess that's something to work on. new year's resolution? i'd rather think of it as a life-long resolution.

just watched sherlock holmes. robert downey jr's got skills. seriously. watch it.

So as i sit, drying my eyes out of all this conflict and dispute.
i'm stuck.
oh God...

i'm not where i belong?

lately i've been really tackling the idea of leadership, and my leadership skills.

i've been questioning of whether i have what it takes to be a leader. and over the years of being a leader of so many things, i would've thought by now i would understood at least enough of what it takes to be leader.

i feel like there are so many times where people compliment my being a leader, and it makes me so sure that i don't need to be afraid to do what i'm already doing now, and that i shouldn't have to doubt my ability to be a leader.

but at the same time i feel like there are the times that people tell me that there's so much to improve on, so much i could do better, and it makes me question so many things about myself. am i actually doing this, am i actually doing that? am i throwing my title around? am i going the extra mile that others aren't going to go for? am i being a humble servant rather than a rash leader? i'm so sure that my heart and head are both in the right places, but if that was the case, then why is it seeming that i can't lead a group properly to do anything? and only now i've been questioning of whether my leading a group will be detrimental to the people i lead...

i'm so sure that i'm doing what i know God has called me to do, and that i'm hearing all the things that i've and trying to apply it all to myself. but yet it seems like i'm never near that. it scares me because i'm going to be a captain for TC, and i want to be everything i can for that group because it's a 2 day thing, 2 days to do everything i can for the group and then whatever happens after will be the result of my leadership and the people i lead.... i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

God, am i where i belong? is my heart where it needs to be? will i only result as a detriment to the people i lead? i don't know, and i'm beginning to fear my not knowing and my beginning of doubting myself.

how limited

today, well, let's review.

physics, that went well.
english, same old. fell asleep 3 quarters way through.
philosophy, fun as usual.
math, interesting.

fellowship, horrible.
post-fellowship, just not what i expected.

today, the grade 9's were all gone for take your kid to work day. when seeing the attendance, i figured, wow, it's like last year all over again, so this program should go well.

apparently not.

no one listened, no one paid attention, everyone just added to noise and the point of the message was lost in it. i bet no one even remembers what the discussion was about.
and it really makes me wonder, what the heck am i doing this for? this kinda thing has been happening ever since the beginning of the fellowship, which was over a month ago, how can nothing have changed over that period of time? no one will stay quiet, no one will do what their told, and i feel like i'm the only one doing what i'm supposed to do.

it's often redundant and frustrating and tiring to tell the fellowship you lead to either
1) be quiet and pay attention
or
2) think before you do something.

so what do i do now.

pray. seriously pray. nothing i can do can change the way things are now. i'm lost in this absolute insanity and i'm quite not sure of what to do.

God, forgive them for they do not what they are doing?
i don't know. just, i don't know.

i'm just a suburban boy

i was walking downtown a few days ago (saturday to be exact) and, as per usual, i felt a little happy. i always sort of appreciated the downtown life because of it's active-ness. but yesterday i saw some of the most disturbing things.

1) the boys aren't refined

i was walking and i noticed a couple stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and all i could hear was the husband speaking rather rudely to his wife, saying things like "shut up, shut up. let go of me, are you crazy?"

all this and it was in front of their child.

briefly watching that little dramatized section of life was a little bit overwhelming. it made me think about the often stupidity of boys (and girls too, in some cases) when it comes to getting into relationships. whether at some point, it leads to broken hearts that need mending or abusive words that do no good, it just re-affirmed in me all the more how much i wish for boys to man up and know what they're getting into when it comes to relationships. liking-to-loving a girl is never a simple matter. really, it isn't.

2) the kids have no idea

walking a bit more, and i saw young kid, who looked no older than the age of 6, lighting up a lighter for this man's cigarette. he was in a wheel chair. i've always found it self-defeating and almost ironic when i see parents smoke in front of their kids. they are given a life, and then they decide to destroy it bit by small bit. it's a little distasteful.

3) rule 1) cardio

i watched zombieland, and admittedly, it was actually funny. i laughed for a good portion of it. but i think what was funny was the small side story of typical romance made of cheese. everyone's looking for love these days. literally everyone.

well, i'm just a suburban boy. what more could i ask for.

God, your call to do what you gotta do with me. thanks.

excuse

for some reason, today, that word really scared me.

i had the interesting experience of sitting in a car with a friend who was arguing with his dad in chinese. obviously me being the one who can't seem to communicate in any other foreign language other than english, sat there not knowing what exactly they were talking about it.

through the bit of the chinese rambling i heard this one word pop up. one english word in an entirely chinese conversation, pretty random if you asked me. but the moment i heard that word it seemed like i was brought into this world of thinking what happens when the word "excuse" is put to use.

the first thing i thought of is when my parents use it on me, and when i use it on them when we're caught in the midst of arguments. i remembered all the times they would say that my reasoning only lead to "them", and how much it annoyed me when they said that.

and then i linked it to how many times we make "them" up in front of God...

well... end of story there.

i guess now after realizing that today, i've sorta re-entered that state of mind of trying to be brutally honest before God in my prayer and time with Him, even as i write this blog. all these blogs are my time with God because they are my reflections to God's character.

so my prayer to Him today is to try and not make excuses to Him. should i ever catch my self doing so, then i will remember the times we use it on ourselves.