Amnesty to Honesty

permanent

2011-03-03T00:13:00.006-05:00

so the new topic that seems to be popping up
is this idea of tattoos and piercings.

is it biblical? does God want us to get this stuff?

here's my personal stab at it.

now when i talked about tattoos with my parents,

they used to always toss it off and use that passage...

"Do you not know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God?" 1 Corinthians 6:19

very common refute to the whole tattoos and piercings debate.

however, we forget that this passage specifically talks about sexual immorality.

"Flee from sexual immorality! "Every sin a person can commit is outside the body," but the person who is sexually immoral sins against his own body. Do you not know that..." blah blah blah.

now if we persisted in saying that this passage is usable, then that gives me the liberty to say that husbands can use their wives to make them sandwiches while the husbands can couch potato around when Ephesians 5 says...

"Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should [submit] to their husbands in everything."

or worse... that we should test people's faith by drinking poison when Mark 16 says...

"And these signs will accompany those who believe: In My name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new languages; they will pick up snakes; if they should drink anything deadly, it will never harm them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will get well."

if can take one bible passage out of context, then we have the liberty to take EVERYTHING out of context, and clearly, that will break down Christianity, or worse, kill people.

ANOTHER passage that people use to refute and rebuke tattoos and piercings is Leviticus 19:28, which says...

"You are not to make gashes on your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves; I am the LORD."

most fundamentalists think they nail the head when they use this. again, what they forget is context.

this passage was talking about not following these pagan traditions. pagans cut and tattooed themselves to appease to their gods to have a nice afterlife. God didn't want the Israelites to obey the laws of other false religions and cults. clearly, their definition of tattoos and our definition of tattoos are completely different.

to add more, Leviticus 19 also says...

""You are to keep My statutes. You must not crossbreed two different kinds of your livestock, sow your fields with two kinds of seed, or put on a garment made of two kinds of material." - verse 19

"When you come into the land and plant any kind of tree for food, you are to consider the fruit forbidden. It will be forbidden to you for three years; it is not to be eaten. In the fourth year all its fruit must be consecrated as a praise offering to the LORD. But in the fifth year you may eat its fruit. In this way its yield will increase for you; I am the LORD your God." - verse 23-25

"You are not to cut off the hair at the sides of your head or mar the edge of your beard." - verse 27

what? no more pretty gardens? no more wearing jeans? every time i want to eat an apple from an apple tree i planted, i have to wait for FIVE YEARS?

and for those who know me, this last one causes some weird phases, but NO MORE HAIR CUTS?

if we debate about tattoos with this passage, how come we're not debating THIS stuff with this passage? that's because we know it's, ultimately, not relevant.

moving on...

some people like to persist in saying that tattoos and piercings root from witchcraft, using passages like Deuteronomy 14:1 and 1 Kings 18:28.

sure, don't cut yourself because it's the practice of cults. but remember that our definition and tattoos and piercings are not about cults anymore. they are about aesthetics and self-expression. tattooing and piercing yourself for those PURPOSES is not mentioned in the Bible.

and if we wanted to talk about just mere origins, then we just HAVE to talk about our clothes and Apple products.

why do we wear clothes? Adam and Eve wore the first "clothes" after they sinned against God, and wanted to hide themselves because of their shame. if we were so concerned about that, why don't we all go naked, so that we may not be ashamed in front of God? that doesn't sound very... tasteful to me.

Apple products? the logo is a picture of an apple with a bite in it. isn't that like how Eve bit the apple and caused ALL of sin to enter the world? if anything, that should be the bigger debate, because we're talking about the origin of SIN. but no, we don't, because it is not RELEVANT to the PURPOSE of why we do these things.

finally, many people like to refute with the idea that "if God wanted tattoos, why didn't He create us with them already?"

1) when God made us in His image, it means we were made to reflect His character over the earth, not that we should reflect His "physical" beauty.

2) this allows us for the benefit of personal creativity, something which God DOES love.

then the fundamentalists get into talking about how teenagers always disobey their parents. sure, i agree. but not ALL teenagers do. and again, if their parents use the mentioned passages to rebuke their kids, then the kids should take the step and tell them that they are using those passages heavily out of context. this is not just so they can get permission, but also that their parents should learn how to interpret the Bible for what it is ACTUALLY saying. to me, that's of greater importance than any tattoo or piercing.

now that i have shown how most people use these passages reprehensibly, by NO means do i say that everyone should get tattoos and piercings.

with piercings, i personally view them the same as clothes. we get them because we just like them. they don't have any huge role in our faith, just like clothes (unless they are saying blasphemous or heretical things). just don't go crazy on them, because you'll look like you're made of metal. and piercings can sometimes distract both ourselves and the people we socialize with. this is why i refrained from a lip ring, because i KNEW that i would be playing with it. and it would taste gross.

with tattoos, ESPECIALLY because they are permanent, we REALLY have to investigate within ourselves WHY we want this tattoo.

we must remember that "whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (colossians 3:17)

so if you (the reader) are considering a tattoo, ask yourself these questions.

1) why am i getting this tattoo? is it so i could look better, or is there a greater purpose?

2) is this tattoo gonna further God's kingdom?

3) does this tattoo have any significant meaning to me, that can testify to God's glory?

4) is my tattoo just my girlfriends name? (trust me, DON'T do that.)

so what's my stance on tattoos? no matter what passage people use, the Bible is ultimately silent on tattoos and piercings. HOWEVER, if we decide to do so, put it to a lot prayer, a lot of discernment and a lot of thought.

-simon

skillfully

2011-02-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

some friends on my facebook
have begun to spark a conversation
about "The deception of Christian Rock Music"
or even Christian contemporary music.
now my heart is set that this music industry is in so many ways
fruitful, God-glorifying, and truthful.
admittedly, like all other musicians out there
no one musician or band is perfect in their music or theology.

yet we hear of all these fundamentalists who criticize Christian rock
because for some strange reason:
1) ALL rock artists do drugs
2) ALL rock artists have sex with many women
3) ALL rock artists party too hard
4) and my personal favourite, ROCK MUSIC IS FROM THE DEVIL.

my question to all of this is:
1) how many Christ-proclaiming artists have they observed to come to this conclusion?
2) how many Christ-proclaiming artists have they observed to come to this conclusion?
3) how many Christ-proclaiming artists have they observed to come to this conclusion?
4) where in the Bible did you read that?

then the topic of
"if your music is too heavy on the music (in terms of how much rhythm there is, etc)
then it muffles out the spiritual content, if any."

now this is where i begin to really sit and observe.

first of all, music was supposed to be observed
in such a manner that people were supposed to
dig up the lyrics, read them, observe them and let them soak in.
now we live in a world where we take the lyrics as they hear it
and it puts artists in a space that limits us.
if we insist that the lyrics must be easy to understand
then that means the singer must be EXTREMELY good at anunciating
and the lyrics must often times be simple, almost TOO simple.
to me, this is a bit of a problem, because things become repetitive
the worship music industry is an example of that.

this is not to say that worship music is lame or talentless
but let's face it, so many songs out there sound the same.
their purpose still stands, and i can still resonate with their lyrics
but it sometimes becomes dry when you hear 10 different worship songs
singing the same thing.

an example of a band that i believe steps outside this box is Oh, Sleeper.
great metalcore band that loves God.
their lyrics reflect it, surprisingly.
their last album "son of the morning"
comes off as controversial, if taken at the surface level.
but if you dig deep into the lyrics, the meaning behind the album cover
then you begin to find that the meaning behind it all is
"God is eternally victorious."

and let's face it, Jesus was an icon of controversy when He was on Earth.
but when the people began to really see Him for who He was,
then that's when things began to change inside of them.

secondly, David writes
"Sing a new song to Him;
play skillfully on the strings, with a joyful shout."
-psalms 33:3
with every Christian musician being so drastically different musically
because of the vast range of genres
we are to give our absolute best in the music we make.
in metal music, this calls for our best in playing guitars and drums. this demands creativity, which sometimes means adding to the music.
in rap music, this calls for our best in rhyme, flow, and beat. again, creativity.

there are obviously more examples, but they all ultimately demand
our utmost creativity and skill for God.
not just half-hearted pieces of "i'm-not-gonna-try" music.

now i do admit that we sometimes put music ABOVE God, which is
idolatry, very obviously.
but is that the fault of the musicians, or the listeners?

the same concepts go for every piece of God-inspired media.
seek God first and foremost, let His truth be your lyrical output
allow people to dig into the music. sometimes, surface messages will dry up
give your all and be creative into what you are playing.
if you can do more for the music you make, do more.

just my two cents.

see you at the wedding

2011-02-10T13:51:00.001-05:00

a few days ago i told a friend
that my girlfriend and i were pretty serious
about our relationship
to the point where we have been talking about marriage
in our future.

so when i made the joke,
"see you at the wedding"
she freaked out and went
"REALLY? YOU'RE THAT SERIOUS?"
and i laughed at that.
but we had this discussion
about dating for experience
or dating for marriage.
i obviously live for the latter
but apparently, it's "common"
to live for the former.

i mean, to me, what sense does it make
if your girlfriend/boyfriend
goes up to you and says,

"hey. i don't really love you
i just say that i do because
i want to know how it feels like
to say it to someone,"

or

"hey. i know we're dating and all
but i don't really care about the
personal relationship that we have right now
i just want experience.
you are ultimately not much more to me
than the experience and knowledge
that i gain. after that, there's nothing between us."

that's heartless. ridiculously heartless.
i wouldn't date anyone at all
if i didn't think that that person could be
the one that i could spend my whole life with.

dating is so much more than just experience and knowledge
dating is supposed to lead up to something
so much more meaningful,
a loving relationship centred around God
the unity of two people under God
and the greatest love stories.

where did all of that go?

enough to let you think

2011-02-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

it's been a while since i've been here.

last night i was reading the first chapter of ephesians
with a bunch of friends of mine
and we got onto the the topic of predestination
(like i always do nowadays).

so we decided to give each other an opportunity to share our personal insight
on this whole deal
and we predetermined (hehe, get my play with that?)
that no matter what our different thoughts might end up being,
that we would
still love each other
abstain from harming others
understand that we will never figure this out fully
understand that we still worship the same God here.

i shared on how i do believe in predestination (which is another blog entry entirely)
and then some others shared on how they believed in free will.
while they were sharing their thoughts,
i was thinking to myself
on why i was so convicted to believe in what i believe in now
and why and how i got past that whole
"if God chooses some, then God doesn't choose others, how's that fair" deal.
and then i started thinking
"no, you can't believe this whole free will thing! it opens yourself up to selfishness."
thank God i didn't actually say anything, otherwise i would've got grilled for it,
and it all would've turned into an explosion of back and forth.

but really, after all that thinking
i kept thinking to myself
"wow, i have this deep desire to want people to believe in what i believe in"
and i guess this is where my stubbornness comes from.
now don't take this is as being prideful, it really isn't.
like i said, i didn't want people to think about
"free will is the way to salvation"
because it opens up to selfishness that much more easily.
and obviously, i don't want my brothers and sisters
to be subject to that.

i was talking to a pastor who comes to these different conclusions about
creationism vs. evolution
predestination vs. free will
kinda stuff
and all of his conclusions were drawn very rationally
and were drawn from the original text of the bible.
so i asked him
"every time you enter a discussion with someone who believes the opposite of you
do you ever think that they are irrational or illogical?"

and he answered me with
"that's where the humility comes in."

i guess no matter how much i want people to understand things the way that i do,
it ultimately breaks down to how the Spirit convicts them.

i guess, the ultimate point is
you can believe all these different things in theology
or you might want others to see things your way, because you are so sure you are right
but you will never be able to stir someone's heart
if you never love them enough to let them think for themselves.

-simon

confused says

2010-08-15T10:15:00.001-04:00

this is going to be quite hard to say, but honestly, this is something i have to finally get out.
and i'd write a poem, but i think for once this has to be something that has to be said in simple words.

it's weird. for the past while, i've been feeling like my circle of friends is no longer my "circle of friends."
i can't relate to my best friends.
i can't really talk to my accountability group about anything anymore.

it's almost as if that phase i had almost a year and a half ago with not being sure of my friends is happening again, on a significantly grander scale.

my best group of friends from my fellowship seem to all be moving towards a direction that i can't follow. a direction that i don't wanna go. I can't really talk to them about things that i wanna talk about because it comes off as unnecessary or immature to them, but to me, these things can mean a lot to me.

where i try to bring up a point, it seems that my voice goes unheard.

and it seems at this point, i've contemplated going and trying new places, new fellowships, new groups of friends. it seems that my group of friends is shifting to other places.

now don't get me wrong, my friends are good people, so it seems that maybe it's me that belongs elsewhere? I'm not sure, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see...?

i'm sure that this has to be just a phase...

another try

2010-05-01T19:58:00.010-04:00

I look at your smiling face,
Your so weak, yet you have such strength,
You take a glance around this place,
You make the best of everything

You give me hope, in spite of everything,
You show me love, even with so much pain
So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try

We laugh, we cry
Sometimes we're broken and we don't know why,
I'm tired and I lose my way,
you help me find faith, oOo

You give me hope, in spite of everything,
You show me love, even with so much pain
So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try
Just give me another try

You give me hope, in spite of everything,
You show me love, even with so much pain
So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try

You give me hope, in spite of everything,
You show me love, even with so much pain
So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try
Just give me another try
Just give me another try

it's almost as if this song has spoken to me, but not yet.

you are the humble king.

2010-03-20T22:27:00.003-04:00

teens conference 2010. geez, what a push.
but a worthwhile push at that.

i never would've thought that captaining would be this difficult. don't get me wrong, i loved the experience, but man it was nothing like being on worship last year. but i'd definitely say it was a rewarding experience.

thanks to all those praying for my condition and everyone else's as well. dehydration sucks.

this blog post doesn't do justice to my feelings on the past week, i know. haha, i guess i'm not much of a blogger.

open eyes.

2010-03-07T22:45:00.001-05:00

you are set free, you are alive, and there is hope right in front of your closed eyes.

and because they are close, you just don't know about your life yet.

thank God

2010-03-01T21:31:00.002-05:00

1) retreat was amazing. let's all share the love to everyone we see.
2) the matter in the previous post is fixed. everything is resolved, and the friendship remains in tact.

we had an argument today.

2010-02-21T22:23:00.003-05:00

we as in myself and my family.

and it's not to say that my family has a terrible connection, so if you're reading this blog post with the kind of mindset that our family is broken, abandon that thought now.

my sister has made it into CTI ministries, in which she'll be going to another country and use her beautiful singing voice to minister to others. my family asked that i help her fundraise by leading worship at my father's prayer meeting. she needs A LOT of money.

however, for the longest time, i believed that i didn't exactly fit in these prayer meetings, as if God wanted me elsewhere, anywhere but there. part of it is because i feel like God doesn't hit me there, and that the environment i'm in doesn't reflect Jesus to me. i voiced my opinion out today, and didn't get the response i was hoping for. i was thinking they would understand that this is what God tells me, and then from there, the whole conversation gets louder.

i told them in the end that i don't know still if God wants me there, but at the very least i would pray about it with an as-open-as-possible heart and mind. i'm still not sure.

i'm writing this blog with hopes of a response from God. not that he would directly reply to this blog (who knows, maybe he will,) and for prayer support on this matter.

1) that my sister gets the funds she needs in time
2) that i may know if i'm called to do stuff there

"God,
alright... here we go
screw presumptions
screw comfort zones
screw all preempted thoughts
God i wanna be open to what you have to say. i never did hear you at those meetings, nor did i think you wanted me there, but what if this time is different? what if from this point on it's different?
i pray you fill my mind with you and your thoughts.
Amen."

i should say that we have resolved ourselves. we're at good grounds again.

if you read this and have something to say, by all means, please do. God may speak to me through you.

P.S. emphasis to screw comfort zones. i'm going to take a dive for a move that i call "risk everything, lose nothing."

-simon

the test

2010-02-21T00:35:00.003-05:00

yesterday
a friend showed up with his urban promise gang, and lead a program for fellowship. he lead worship like he did in the old days, and i can see he hasn't changed that much. haha.

worshipping songs i don't really know, or in swahili, i think God was there anyways. and to think i almost missed it. thanks for the honest movement.

today
TC prep interviews today. we're on our way, and our cheers are looking as cheesy as ever. i'm excited to do them with a big group. haha. hopefully the groups won't think we're stupid. go Jesus, all the way from head to toe.

k-cab hot pot, ate some good food, had some good chill times, and topped it with good personal sharing time. and i guess through that sharing, i've realized that i have to find a sense of closure with my matters. truth and and directness, here we go. God, i guess give us the opportunity to speak the truths. i wanna be ready.

today was a good day. hallelujah.

i've gotta say

2010-01-30T12:54:00.003-05:00

you're awfully good at hiding the truth, and not sticking to it. i have to give you credit for being able to shy away from yourself a bit and show me what was left of you to me without me noticing for so long. and after nearly beating yourself down, vowing not to commit to anything for five years or so, i'm surprised you fell right back into that empty promise within a year. who would've known. i certainly didn't.

and it's here that i not only begin to question you, but hypocrisy as a whole. why do people consider saying one thing and acting on something else a luxury? why do people consider this act an escape, a second chance? only God knows what we're up to in our hearts.

until then, i hope things are going will with you and your faces of attraction.

the momentum of your flash start picks me up

2010-01-03T22:58:00.002-05:00

so it's funny, i sort have left this blog on a rather negative note. just wanted to update it and say that things have resolved. haha.

a bit of an update on myself, perhaps.

things have been picking up and moving along, and i the spectator and doer follow along, with not much choice, since time doesn't like to wait for me. but i love time like that, because i bear a stark resemblance to it, which indirectly means i'm not the leader here.

school has been up and down. marks follow suit. i've been so scaringly motivated by them that i made a bet with my physics teacher. if i get an 85 on my physics practical, she has to dress a gangster for a whole day. if i don't get that 85, i have to clean up the class room and the chem labs. sounds fair.

WTF, WTF, WTF. (that means what the focus.) that event has been climbing on my back for the past while and it's been hitting me on the head with a reminding hammer. regardless of whether we've on the ball or not, i know that God will provide. i can feel it happening already.

but with the new year fresh in the air, and growing old coming soon, time passes by rather quickly. i realize that time doesn't exactly heal all things. the same personality flaws i fight with everyday, so i guess that's something to work on. new year's resolution? i'd rather think of it as a life-long resolution.

just watched sherlock holmes. robert downey jr's got skills. seriously. watch it.

2009-12-02T22:05:00.003-05:00

So as i sit, drying my eyes out of all this conflict and dispute.
i'm stuck.
oh God...

i'm not where i belong?

2009-11-20T23:29:00.002-05:00

lately i've been really tackling the idea of leadership, and my leadership skills.

i've been questioning of whether i have what it takes to be a leader. and over the years of being a leader of so many things, i would've thought by now i would understood at least enough of what it takes to be leader.

i feel like there are so many times where people compliment my being a leader, and it makes me so sure that i don't need to be afraid to do what i'm already doing now, and that i shouldn't have to doubt my ability to be a leader.

but at the same time i feel like there are the times that people tell me that there's so much to improve on, so much i could do better, and it makes me question so many things about myself. am i actually doing this, am i actually doing that? am i throwing my title around? am i going the extra mile that others aren't going to go for? am i being a humble servant rather than a rash leader? i'm so sure that my heart and head are both in the right places, but if that was the case, then why is it seeming that i can't lead a group properly to do anything? and only now i've been questioning of whether my leading a group will be detrimental to the people i lead...

i'm so sure that i'm doing what i know God has called me to do, and that i'm hearing all the things that i've and trying to apply it all to myself. but yet it seems like i'm never near that. it scares me because i'm going to be a captain for TC, and i want to be everything i can for that group because it's a 2 day thing, 2 days to do everything i can for the group and then whatever happens after will be the result of my leadership and the people i lead.... i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

God, am i where i belong? is my heart where it needs to be? will i only result as a detriment to the people i lead? i don't know, and i'm beginning to fear my not knowing and my beginning of doubting myself.

how limited

2009-11-04T23:25:00.002-05:00

today, well, let's review.

physics, that went well.
english, same old. fell asleep 3 quarters way through.
philosophy, fun as usual.
math, interesting.

fellowship, horrible.
post-fellowship, just not what i expected.

today, the grade 9's were all gone for take your kid to work day. when seeing the attendance, i figured, wow, it's like last year all over again, so this program should go well.

apparently not.

no one listened, no one paid attention, everyone just added to noise and the point of the message was lost in it. i bet no one even remembers what the discussion was about.
and it really makes me wonder, what the heck am i doing this for? this kinda thing has been happening ever since the beginning of the fellowship, which was over a month ago, how can nothing have changed over that period of time? no one will stay quiet, no one will do what their told, and i feel like i'm the only one doing what i'm supposed to do.

it's often redundant and frustrating and tiring to tell the fellowship you lead to either
1) be quiet and pay attention
or
2) think before you do something.

so what do i do now.

pray. seriously pray. nothing i can do can change the way things are now. i'm lost in this absolute insanity and i'm quite not sure of what to do.

God, forgive them for they do not what they are doing?
i don't know. just, i don't know.

i'm just a suburban boy

2009-10-26T22:42:00.002-04:00

i was walking downtown a few days ago (saturday to be exact) and, as per usual, i felt a little happy. i always sort of appreciated the downtown life because of it's active-ness. but yesterday i saw some of the most disturbing things.

1) the boys aren't refined

i was walking and i noticed a couple stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and all i could hear was the husband speaking rather rudely to his wife, saying things like "shut up, shut up. let go of me, are you crazy?"

all this and it was in front of their child.

briefly watching that little dramatized section of life was a little bit overwhelming. it made me think about the often stupidity of boys (and girls too, in some cases) when it comes to getting into relationships. whether at some point, it leads to broken hearts that need mending or abusive words that do no good, it just re-affirmed in me all the more how much i wish for boys to man up and know what they're getting into when it comes to relationships. liking-to-loving a girl is never a simple matter. really, it isn't.

2) the kids have no idea

walking a bit more, and i saw young kid, who looked no older than the age of 6, lighting up a lighter for this man's cigarette. he was in a wheel chair. i've always found it self-defeating and almost ironic when i see parents smoke in front of their kids. they are given a life, and then they decide to destroy it bit by small bit. it's a little distasteful.

3) rule 1) cardio

i watched zombieland, and admittedly, it was actually funny. i laughed for a good portion of it. but i think what was funny was the small side story of typical romance made of cheese. everyone's looking for love these days. literally everyone.

well, i'm just a suburban boy. what more could i ask for.

God, your call to do what you gotta do with me. thanks.

excuse

2009-10-13T22:24:00.003-04:00

for some reason, today, that word really scared me.

i had the interesting experience of sitting in a car with a friend who was arguing with his dad in chinese. obviously me being the one who can't seem to communicate in any other foreign language other than english, sat there not knowing what exactly they were talking about it.

through the bit of the chinese rambling i heard this one word pop up. one english word in an entirely chinese conversation, pretty random if you asked me. but the moment i heard that word it seemed like i was brought into this world of thinking what happens when the word "excuse" is put to use.

the first thing i thought of is when my parents use it on me, and when i use it on them when we're caught in the midst of arguments. i remembered all the times they would say that my reasoning only lead to "them", and how much it annoyed me when they said that.

and then i linked it to how many times we make "them" up in front of God...

well... end of story there.

i guess now after realizing that today, i've sorta re-entered that state of mind of trying to be brutally honest before God in my prayer and time with Him, even as i write this blog. all these blogs are my time with God because they are my reflections to God's character.

so my prayer to Him today is to try and not make excuses to Him. should i ever catch my self doing so, then i will remember the times we use it on ourselves.

reveal your love

2009-10-09T22:55:00.002-04:00

today was a composition of ups and downs, high notes and low notes.

at school we had an all day, out-of-class leadership workshop. who would've known that the most irrelevant yet eye-opening things would've happened.

let me first admit that the workshop was rather... redundant. au contraire to learning on how to be a leader, we just learned how to cheat in capture the flags, and that the colour orange is all of associated with lap dancing. how beneficial.

the most burdening thing however was feeling rather torn down from being the co-pres of music council, where for some reason it felt like things were falling apart. on top of that, being a leader of a school fellowship that for some reason didn't know the true idea of communication between people to solve problems. sometimes when i talk to them, i wish that they would listen to the fact that as opposed to one person being at fault, everyone was. including myself, which to me, is rather ironic.

being a leader, i couldn't even communicate the truth with love...

"love is... slow to anger..." 1 corinthians 13

now that was hypocrisy. which lead to stress and frustration that was not needed or necessary to get any point across. on top of that, i was compared to something that i never in my life would want to be compared to, because i'm doing everything i can to not be like that.

this is what happens to a teenage boy who can't for some reason is irrational. this left me hanging on my own thread, being pushed down by every heart-breaking burden. my heart isn't perfect, neither is the fellowship i lead.

and then came the friday night.

fellowship time. i was leading worship, and i prayed that i would be able to just dump those burdens aside and lead worship without being worried about what might and might not happen, with a pure heart and mindset. instead i lead a worship set that i myself couldn't worship with.

but then came discussion time. people were sharing so much all of a sudden, and it was topped off with the two hosts of the program to share about their personal stories. people were touched by it, and i know that with all my heart. thank God for them.

see when we open ourselves to difference instead of clouding our vision with indifference, that is when we begin to see unity. when we begin to be vulnerable to the people around us, that is when we begin to see God's wonderful grace in it's purest essence.

should you, the reader, be reading this, i dare you. i challenge you. i want to see you give up like you've never given up before. think so low of yourself like you have nothing left to lose.

i don't mean giving up as in to give in to your problems. i mean to give up your pride, give up your prejudice, give up your judging mindset. think low of yourself, below others. find yourself caught up in humility because that's where you will find peace.

to those with the same burdens of witnessing catastrophic breakdowns of unity, i challenge you to do what the title of this blog is.

follow you

2009-10-02T16:38:00.002-04:00

so yesterday for english class, we had a supply teacher. as a result we ended up watching the documentary called "invisible children."

and my goodness, i think that's a documentary people have to see.

it's a documentary that talks about the reality of the disasters in sudan, through the eyes of 3 random boys with a camera they bought off of ebay.

now i'm not a big personal fan of documentaries, because most of the time they just tell about "this happened"'s and "that happened"'s. most of the time, that doesn't appeal to me. but this was different. this documentary, in short, called for action, called for urgency.

one of the parts that i think got to me the most was the end, the "part where the credits are supposed to roll." in place of the credits, they wrote a message, asking for our help in spreading awareness, in financial ways, in using our talents and walk the talk. after the documentary, both my friend and i looked at each other and said, "that was intense."

she began to say something like "i should write a play for that documentary." and i said things like "i'll write a song for them." and i think it's a good idea.

the reason the documentary was called "invisible children" was because the boys who travelled to sudan had come up with the statement that it was a sad thing that so many of the beautiful faces that go through the tragedies there seem to be over looked, or invisible.

it's such a sad thing that the north american culture seems to be so horribly pampered, to the point where catastrophes like the ones in sudan are overlooked. all that's on the news today is "this soldier died" and not "there is a genocide in this country." though of course the grievance of a soldier is deserved, but why completely shove sudan's problems (and other countries too) under the rug? why toss them aside as if every face on that country is as easy as crumpling and tossing away a piece of art?

i guess with our selfishness and ignorance, a lot of things are unaware. God, give us a wake up call to the least of these.

"I'll follow you into the world"

home is not home

2009-08-22T17:45:00.002-04:00

so i just got back from vacationing in p.e.i, new brunswick, and quebec. it was a great week, got to spend loads of time with my family and my to-be-brother-in-law. but it's a little funny, because isn't the common thing to go home and begin to reminisce about how good the vacation was, how much you miss it, how much you wish you could go back.

instead, it seemed like i got home to a boring life. i didn't think too much about what had just happened, instead i'm thinking about what to do next. why? i don't know really.

the moment i got home, there were some disagreements, which i will not get into detail with. people seemed to get really discontent with either myself or themselves. i went back to a home of utter chaos, it seems.

i prayed to God about what the heck was happening. why was everyone so uptight all of a sudden, why am i the target of some people's arguments, why are there so many people so insecure about themselves?

i got home friday night, worship practice saturday morning, hung around a bit because a lot of my friends started to show up for a wedding at my church, saturday morning was okay. from there on in, it seemed to become a little heated, i don't know why.

and all of this has sort of caused me to fall in this, dare i say, common modern mindset where i can only think about what to do next. i want to remember my vacation for what it was, but it seems i can't at the moment.

when i remember beauty, i'll let you know.

Faithful and Unseen

2009-08-14T01:39:00.001-04:00

"Often times, we like to question why things couldn't happen any sooner, seeing as it will not make any difference. It is there we're reminded that faith is telling us that our ways are still far less. Until then, I'll chew on time."

This was a facebook status I published a few days ago, in response to a struggle with a friend.

There have been many times in my own personal live where I wished God did things sooner for me, because it seemed like if it was done later, it just wouldn't have made any difference at all. I wished that God would divinely intervene when I needed Him too just because I was in that big of a hole.

But it was there I realized that faith is something that believes in the unseen, something that believes in the unbelievable.

Human beings just love to dwell thermselves in what's around them, drown themselves in what is seen. But I as a human being that believes in a God know that there are always greater things that are bound to be found. Why suffer with the times we see when there's so much more to be seen? It's not worth it, that's for sure.

Another thing I saw was God's love. Or at least a good example of it. I published the mentioned facebook status when I realized that I couldn't do things alone, because I saw how unfair the situation was, how I wanted so badly to have power beyond what I have to change things.

That's exactly how God loves us, isn't it?

We dwell in crap all of our lives, as if these were the typical things we live in. We're stupid, let's face it.

But yet, this God, creator of everything we see, divine ruler over the whole world, loves us? Loves me? Wants us so badly? It doesn't make sense, but yet somehow it does.

Chew on that. Chew on the fact of how much God actually loves you.

jobs.

2009-08-01T00:47:00.002-04:00

wow, coffeehouse was... just unbelievable.

it was so non-traditional, but yet so interesting because it seemed so much more personal, even with me, the volunteer?

pei ying's skit never hit me so hard until i actually read it. if you're reading this, i'm praying for you.

it makes me think a lot. many times, i enter these kind of events thinking that i'm not gonna gain anything because i helped organize it, i know everything inside out, what is there to learn from?

this coffeehouse is, i believe, the first coffeehouse to prove me wrong.

i praise God now, for all the gifts and talents He's blessed us and the rest of the volunteers with, i feel like we've hit a major success, now that we've gotten many conversations started with many different people. i feel like now, God is leading us as a fellowship to just go places with these friendships. i hope we'll all find strength to possibly share the truth with them.

let's get to our jobs.

"everything i've got"

2009-07-29T01:24:00.003-04:00

so with nothing to be eloquent about, here's my blog.

coffeehouse is coming in a few more days, and I'm rather nervous about it, simply because this is something i've never seen done before, and with us as a fellowship, being the first ones to do this, i'm really anxious to see how it will turn out.

i've noticed that sometimes i find myself measuring success by how many people show up to these events, and i know that it's a horrible mentality to enter a coffeehouse with. as a result, i guess this is just going to be a real test of how i can really show people who Christ is to me and what He has done for my sake.

i guess i just really pray that God would open hearts and eyes at this event, that whoever steps into that room, christian or not, would see something bigger, would see a grander picture of who He is to us.

on a side note...

i've really been into the classic worship song, "I Love You Lord" ever since i heard as cities burn do it for their outro, and for their little cameo in "gates." amazing song by the way.

i think the next time i lead a worship service, i'll use that song. it's beginning to show to me the reason why we worship God, simply because we love Him.

i love how all the simple and/or repetitive songs are what always get me.

awesome god
hallelujah (hillsong version)
agnus dei
hallelujah (ben cantelon version)

and even for non worship stuff...
redeem - the wedding (the "eh oh, eh oh, we're not alone" part gets repeated alot)
we can try - between the trees (simple to the maximum, good song to the maximum)

always good stuff. maybe it's because there's so many things you can do with them to make them sound so epic, because there isn't much to work with to begin with. heh, what fun, the musicality of worship music.

but i guess, especially for coffeehouse, all of this is because and only dedicated to God, huh?

well then, here goes everything i've got.

Realization and Relevance

2009-07-22T23:17:00.011-04:00

I've come to realize that I really can't
handle a poem blog and an actual blog
at the same time.

So i've come to the conclusion that if
i can't think of an idea to write about for a poem,
i'll write a blog instead.

Summer has been rather enjoyable for me
although amazingly swift (it's already the end of july? what?)
still very enjoyable.

I've lately been into a song called "We Can Try" by Between the Trees.
Very simple and straight-forward, but catchy.

what would you say if i told you that all i've thought about
is you since you've been gone?
i wish some way, somehow, i could turn this world right back around
and the mistakes i've made

so i could say to you that
i know things are quite like what they used to be
different faces, different places, yeah
we can try, oh yeah, we can try

what would you say if i told you that i'm not giving up
however long it takes
it's clear that things have changed since when we started but we can't
just walk away babe

so i am telling you that
i know things are quite like what they used to be
different faces, different places, yeah
we can try, oh yeah, we can try

Very addicting, and honest.

Compensate for Being Four Poems Behind

2009-06-27T01:38:00.003-04:00

Honesty can be such an amazing thing

especially when you hear the answer from

different people who are all looking at

the exact same goals.
That's unity.

I told some truth of how i've been feeling

this friend, i don't even talk to much to begin with

he just sorta brought it up, and i guess he knew

some sense of the story, but it was there, so i decided

to simply follow through with it.

I told him what was happening lately in my life

the good, the bad, the ugly, and the hopeful

and he told me some things too

things i guess was good for me to know

because it assures me so much that i'm

sure that my heart is at the right place

but i myself am in the middle of the progress

so quite literally

i'm following my heart

following after, rather.

But it all works out, or it seems like it will

because true testimonies come from persistence

and courage and pain and even sometimes

getting some courage, some balls, if i must say so

myself.

So off i go again, trying to rebuild everything

from the beginning, or as if it was from

the beginning, even though it sort of isn't

but who knows?

God works in funny was, very, very funny ways

and i think that my friend is right.

Perseverance and courage go hand in hand

can be good bedfellows, what have you.

So here's to true testimonies

better stories than those who try too hard

safer ways to regain everything that sorta

gradually decrescendoed down.

But it's all okay, because i know that

this is how things should be

this is how God works.

God works in funny ways, He really, really does sometimes.

Laus Deo Semper

2009-06-19T00:41:00.002-04:00

It's so tough sometimes
when I'm put in a position
to help my friends out.
And i love it, every second of it
to help my friends out is finding
joy in the Lord, it feels like
almost as if this is what i was born to do.

But who would've really thought
that things can get this tough?

I was faced between the decision of letting go
of one's hands, or holding on even tighter
than before.
I chose the latter.
Had i chosen the former, who knows where this person
would end up.
Probably a place where no one would want to go.
It's so sad sometimes to see people want these things:
death
suffering
darkness
no way out
nothing more than fine.

How could anyone want these things?
What joy is there in them?
None, from what i see.

It confuses and annoys me so much to think of it,
to wonder how humanity can function
on lusting for these... sad, sad things.

Though i will continue to fight for freedom
though i will continue to fight for the things
that we've already been given
i need some help from up high
to get through this.
It's even tougher when it seems like
there's no one else but me
helping these people.

But i've definitely learned that
in all light, in all darkness
in all truth, in all lies
in all heresy, in all righteousness
Praise be to God always.

Laus Deo Semper

Unity

2009-05-25T19:25:00.002-04:00

Last night was amazing.

Some kids and I got to lead some worship times and Unionville Alliance Church
where all the "foreign" kids are
where Chinese people seemed to be a huge minority.

But who would've thought?

We let God take over the team, and what we saw as a team was a bunch of people
of so many different churches
different races, different faces
come together as one and
worship.

I got to meet so many new people, and I'm so happy about it.
And although this blog will probably not really express that well enough
it's so true. I really do hope that we get to meet again, soon enough.

I hope I find them on facebook soon enough. Haha.

This Happens in the Gaps

2009-05-08T23:23:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while...
I guess it seems like I blog with my poetry.
But sometimes, I guess, I have to make some time
for simple, un-thought out words to come into place.

So, this past week has been almost absolutely terrible
honestly speaking.
I sorta got the feeling that no one appreciated the work
I had put into the things I do for them.
And it was saddening, terribly saddening.

But today, my good friend rachel shared something.
It was her birthday last week, and she didn't receive anything as a gift from her good friend.
And she was thinking of how she did so much for his birthday, and she got nothing back,
and then she began to relate it to how God works.

God loves the world so much, and He sacrificed so much for it.
Yet, the world barely ever gives that love back to Him, barely ever appreciates Him anymore.

It's so sad to hear that, because I realize how true.
Almost like it's been at the back of my mind for so long,
and only now it's been realized.

I often wonder what would happen if I just randomly disappeared off the face of the planet.
How would my friends react, my family?

I don't know, because I just don't.

The only thing I've ever heard about that is that things would be drastically different,
and that people would be devastated.
I wonder how true, if at all, that would be.

I would normally hope for it to BE true, but it hasn't happened.

Regardless, God has never abandoned us every time we ignore Him, He somehow just takes it all in, and move on. It's not that he feels numb to it, but he just dreads every moment.

He must be sad all the time then... man. I'm so glad I'm not a God sometimes.

I just hope and pray that next week would follow itself through, in a better light.

I Wrote...

2009-04-15T20:15:00.002-04:00

I wrote a poem outside today.
I called it Spring Colours.
I wrote it without my heavy duty winter jacket.
And you have no idea how satisfied I am to be able to do that for once.

Not only did I realize how much more free my poems seemed when I wrote outside
I realized why I did it.

Everything outside is different every time.
You can never really expect what to spin around your head any time.

And when I was sitting around, I saw some families playing around.
This one family, a mixed family, a Chinese father and a Caucasian mother,
They had quite the beautiful family together.

The father was kicking around a deflated basketball, playing with his son
who barely even reached the height of his fathers leg.
The mother was sitting on the teeter-totter with the other two children,
I think they were daughters.

I also saw these little kids in the soccer field, playing softball, or baseball.
It was so relieving, at a lack of words,
to watch them enjoy themselves.

And the one thing I loved about writing outside was the randomness of it.

You never know what they're going to do next.
You can never expect to go outside and expect routine.
That family wouldn't be playing ball and sitting on the teeter-totter everyday
if they even ever went out everyday.

You can't really expect those small boys play softball everyday either.

One day, they might be playing soccer
one day the family might be playing tag or playing in the water park that isn't working yet
you never really know.

But one thing I loved about that randomness was the sole purpose of it.

Everything they did, it was for one bigger idea, and it was to get the love flowing.

Through everything they did together, they were doing it simply to build a community, a family, a love story, a united love within themselves.

And how sad it can be sometimes, because sometimes that's where I differ from them.

And I yearn for that all the time.

I will be writing my poems outside from now on.

Watch the Miracles Flash

2009-03-30T22:58:00.000-04:00

This is chaos.

There's the peace.

Let's march and get there together.

There Goes My... (The Blog Side)

2009-03-29T22:14:00.001-04:00

Talk about dumb mistakes.

God, this shows how stupid and weak and unthoughtful I am.
I'm flawed, I'm lost, I'm everything short of someone true.
So even though my head is down and my heart is trying,
This all just goes back to where it came from, and I'll leave it to You.

To: Me From: God Subject: RE:Connect

2009-03-21T00:04:00.004-04:00

Teens Conference 2009. What an experience.

I did SMU for junior TC, so nothing too special there
other than that, I tried to lead a girls workshop.
LOL.

Epic phail.

But senior was... wow.
I had no idea what kind of expectations to enter with
except that God would move.

There really isn't much to say about it
other than it was a chance for me
to look a little deeper into myself
and really understand myself a little bit better.

The speaker did a sermon about how much we're worth
and that we're worth so much more than we think
to the point where the very nails in Jesus' hands
were worth our lives.

You really can't wrestle with that fact
because it is what it is.

And then he asked the question (in another sermon)
what are we doing with our lives?

That hit me hard.

and i sat there, on the stage, in front of about 550 people

crying my heart out

when i was supposed to be drumming.

And i soon realized why i was crying myself a flood.
What was i really doing with my life?
Do i really show who i am in christ?

And i was constantly reminded still how much i am
worth in God's eyes. through reminders from friends,
my all flowing thoughts
and God himself working in me and my peers.

ADDepiphany

Wow, guys, you are just amazing.
Having the chance to work with 6 amazing musicians
and 6 God-seeking hearts
has been a blessing to me
one that i will hopefully never forget.

"retrace the steps we took..."

But here's to the rest of life.
Teens Conference isn't about the two days of hype.
It's about taking what you learned and taking it
with you
wherever you go
everywhere.

It's all about the full circles.
Teens Conference 2009, let's go further
and i'll see you next year.

Why Again? Why?

2009-03-05T21:56:00.004-05:00

I thought this dying matter
close to those around me
was a game that ended a while ago.
Why again, God, why again?

So let's update on how many times this has happened to me so far

First, my friends father passes away
Second, our church's family friend passes away, leaving a desperate family behind
Third, my other friend's grandfather is in the hospital in critical condition

Now, my other friend's uncle has passed away.

All in the span of what, 2 weeks?

2 God forbidden weeks?

Why?

You have to come to a point
where you begin to question how so much
death
pain
sadness
tear dropping
there is in this.

So why?

I've learned my lesson on how precious life the first time was,
and I'm doing everything I can to live my life the best I can
for
my friends
family
myself
and You, God, You.

I guess, I let it out with a sigh of desperation.

Who knows where these people will go.

I leave it to you.
I mourn for them.
I mourn with them.
God just... please hear my cry, and theirs.
It's becoming too desperate now.

Dangerous Games

2009-02-19T18:18:00.002-05:00

Today, the most catastrophic
disastrous, chaotic
event took place in my life.

And it's funny, because it's not even my life
to begin with
it's actually my friends life, but
it plays such dangerous games with mine.

My friend's father
has passed on, to another life.

And the moment I heard about it
My heart stopped for a split second
because I had no idea what to feel
what to say, how to react exactly.

I want to be there for him, but he won't be
showing up to school for the next little bit,
as he desperately needs his time.

I want to be a friend, someone he can run to
if ever he needed someone to speak to
I want to be that person.

Again, this has nothing to do with my life specifically,
since no one so significant to me has passed away like that, so suddenly.

But I realized how random, and fragile life REALLY is.

Sure, lately I haven't been in the best situations of my life
with myself, my parents, my family.

And I realize now how badly I need them to be there
for me, to support me
and because of the sheer randomness of how life flows
I may never know when ANYONE will simply disappear from me.

Life is too precious, treat it well
Life is too short, make every moment a worthwhile one
Life is too fragile, hold on to it tightly, just like This Hand.

This is another wake up call for me...

This is Love

2009-02-08T20:30:00.006-05:00

If honesty was everything, then here we go...

So for the past weekend
i had attended my second Koinonia retreat
and oh my goodness
what words can't describe what i've seen.

Let's take this day by day, shall we?

Day ONE

Just got home from school, ran around the house to make some last minute packing.
Left my report card on the counter for my parents to see,
then out I go.

I grabbed my acoustic guitar, walked to church, met with the rest of the worship gang
and we packed everything in the cars, and headed on our way.

Quite the trip, eating Wendy's, listening to music, almost falling asleep, getting somewhat lost.

We got to Elim Lodge, set up, practised the first worship set, and waited.

As the attendees started to walk in (an hour late at that) we began, ran through the rules, etc etc.

Everyone's a little shaken from the bus ride, I could kind of tell.
But for the first devotion, we talked about choosing not to wake up out of bed, being cold to the world.

Then we played some quick games, ate some snacks, grab some cup noodles, and headed to our cabins, which were a little too luxurious in my opinion.

Ate up, dressed up, head to pillow.

Day TWO

Wake up at 6 15, for worship team prayer meeting.
Got to hear the beginning of honesty and opening, what I've been praying for.

Had our devotion for the day, this time about being lukewarm, which we all know results into being spat out.

The breakfast. My goodness, like heaven on earth, but again, a little too much luxury. But still, it was amazing.

Had our first sermon by our special white speaker with a goatee. Cool guy.
It was about spiritual warfare, and how we need faith to block the firing arrows.

Then we played this one long game, where everyone had to write an embarrassing command on a sheet of paper, hand it in, then be given someone else's command. I had to do a high school musical jump, so not that embarrassing.

Then lunch. Again, amazing, but almost too amazing.

Then we had workshops. I chose to go to a workshop about relationships, in a broad perspective. Relationships with you and many different kinds of people. I was reminded of the problems that I had with certain relationships I have. Keep reading.

Then we had free time. I felt bad for missing out on my daily poem writing, so I wrote two that day, each about each day that has happened so far. Then a snowball fight, which I clearly am amazing at. But next time, I'm bringing better shoes.

Then dinner, which I missed out mostly on because of worship practise prior to dinner.

Counsellor surprise... we just played sardines. Haha, me and Sam went scouting after we found the counsellors, to see how many people were left by hiding. Band of Brothers for the ftw. Rolling on the floor ROFL-ing.

Then this is the best part.

CANDLELIGHT SHARING.

This is where I saw how God answered my prayers, with so much more than I actually had in mind. As the candlelight went around we all shared something about ourselves. Anything really.
First round, I just briefly explained myself and a bit about my church history. When I passed it on, I began to think again my problem, my struggle that I had been fighting through for the longest time.

I will be honest, as I feel that if someone reads this and relates to it, they'll know they're not the only one.

This is how it goes. I'm a very fragile person, and I hate arguments. If I get into a heated argument, my whole day just falls apart. So this one time, my dad and I had got into a pretty bad one, and it was worse because my mom took his side, like how I always thought it was. An unfair battle between my parents and I, as I had always thought it was.

I had gone home that same day, and I thought to myself...

"Simon, you constantly get into fights with your parents, and you almost never win. You're always looked down by them, even though you do everything you can to keep that sense of respect high. You always fail at that. Your sisters are gone, so you have nothing to go home to, no one to speak with about anything, and everything. Even your friends sometimes don't care about you, even at fellowship. Like those times when you get into arguments with a certain person, and you always lose to them because he always seems to get the vote of everyone else in the fellowship. You're all alone Simon, all alone.

"So Simon, what are you going to do then? You don't belong where you are now. So what? Just run away. Not metaphorically run away. RUN AWAY FROM HOME SIMON. RUN AWAY."

I never knew what to say to my own thoughts. I remember spending some days in my bedroom thinking to myself, "Simon, if you ran, what would you pack up?" But I knew that I couldn't run, because I know it would kill my parents. I love them, but I can't take all the crap that I get from them.

Basically, I had no idea where I belonged. I had no idea who I was as a person. I had felt that I was alone everywhere I went, even at home and fellowship, the two places that someone should feel the most comfortable at. I felt nothing close to love there. I felt worthless, like a failure. A total, complete, dirty piece of trash by the roadside.

Nothing I could do to it. And I hated keeping certain feelings in, so I shared, the second time the candle came around. I was interrupted though, by a close friend of mine. He told me that I wasn't worthless, that my identity was found in God. I knew that, but I couldn't get myself to really believe it. Then another person spoke up, and he told me that he knew that the person I was talking about (the one where everyone in the fellowship took his side) was him. And he apologized for everything, because he felt like... I don't know, but right then and there, I began to weep.

I had nothing else to say, because the problem was what it was. All I could really manage to pull out of my mouth was that I wanted to see some kind of love again, because I haven't seen yet lately, which is not good. So I stopped rambling, and passed the candle, still crying. Two of my other close friends beside me began to comfort me, and they just kept telling me over and over, "Simon, you are worth something, you are so important, this fellowship wouldn't be the same without you," and the one I wanted to hear the most, "Simon, we love you..."

Love...

The person I passed the candle to had given me even more assurance, telling me that I was a friend he had the privilege to know, that he always had unreal times with, to be synonymous to. I don't mention this because I want to prove something to you. I'm saying this to prove something to myself.

Thank you, all of you. I've seen love again.

God continued to answer, as so many people began to speak up about their life, their struggles, and I realized that we as a fellowship are so frail, so broken, but we all had one common goal, to find and seek God. Even the most unlikely of people that I had thought would never really speak up, spoke up. I saw for myself what it meant to be a fellowship. A church. A group of Christians.

The day was night, and I had grown weary and tired, so after the sharing had finished, I went straight to bed.

Day THREE

Wake up again too early for my health.

But this day was a chance to see happiness again. We had our last devo about conquering sin, living life, being on fire, and we challenged ourselves to take everything we've heard and seen to our outside lives. This is our life challenge from now on.

We had our last sermon, which was about suffering, and how we need it in order to survive, to learn. Perfect what had just happened. Absolutely perfect.

We had brunch, which I still couldn't finish because of breakfast from the day before.

Then we packed up, clean up our rooms, and headed for the chapel.

We took LOADS of group pictures, by grade, worship team, full fellowship picture, and many others.

From there, it was free time, then we headed home.

I didn't wanna go home though. The whole weekend was too good, and going home would be going back to my boring life that I once felt had nothing special about it. But that's the challenge I guess.

So, with a semi-lost voice, a weekend too short to really grasp, and a heart now put back together...

God, my prayer this time is for us as a fellowship, as Koinonia, to continue being open, but not only that. To be open, ALL the time, every week. God, that we may be so open and vulnerable with each other, and that we'd be able to pass that ability to the ones in our fellowship that couldn't go with us. That my relationships with my friends and family would continue to develop in You, that we'd get so lost in you, that we'd have to find You to find them.

God, that I may know that I'm worth something in your eyes, that I may know that I am loved after all.

Amen.

-Simon

Desperation at a Lack of Words

2009-01-28T21:59:00.002-05:00

...
...
...
..
..
..
.
.
.
I don't know if i can
put this into words
right at the moment.

If you're reading this
pray that I'd find the answer
to this one problem.

A Test, An Exam

2009-01-20T21:01:00.003-05:00

Haven't written in a while.
Well, here I am now.

Exams begin tomorrow for me.
And it's really a little, just a little, worrying.

I'm more worried about history and english
but for music and math, i think i'm fine.

But oh well
what can i do?
just gotta do what i can i guess.

it's a little weird now
because it seems that
a lot of better decisions are being made
and to some others, they are actually
thinking, which is amazing.

i often wonder
where i am in all this.

i mean i can hopefully say that
i'm not like most of the others
i treasure things like those.
it's not just a skin deep, shallow
thing.

it's unbelievably so much more.

but still, it's still in development
and i will wait for something
for God to tell me what to do
for myself to know fully what i want
no more of this i-think language
i should know.

So here's to hope
and to patience
to me being the one
that will hopefully be your crying wall
i'm still alive and here for you.

Honesty

2009-01-11T22:08:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day
with opening worship for TCAC
to korean barbeque
to mashed songs
to honesty.

I had gotten home by
i think 3 30 or so.

And i was HONESTLY dying
for something to happen
so that i could be occupied
and not worry about homework.

But after lots
of thinking
of praying
i think maybe it was better i stayed home.

I made a certain decision
that I can't tell if i did right
or not
most likely wrong
because time is always a factor.

But regardless
as all turns out well
i'm happy with what is done
what has been said
and the HONESTY
that just flows around these words
and conversations.

We're all just waiting
waiting for something to happen
it's at the back of my mind
and i'm waiting for it to fall out
like some magic carpet
and then be able to see things
just a little differently.

I'm waiting
for whatever
I'm ready if and when it's time
until then
i'm just getting to know things better.

"HONESTY is what you need
it sets you free
like someone to save you."
-Onerepublic

Sweet Sixteens?

2009-01-05T23:04:00.002-05:00

So today
was my birthday.

I've lived fifteen years of
good life, and now
I have a sixteenth one to go for.

Yes, I'm sixteen years old now.

But to be honest, sixteen is an
overrated age
that many people seem to
die for.

Secretly, yesterday at church
I was hoping someone would
jump out
and cake me in the face
and scream happy birthday all over
but it didn't happen.

Which is OKAY!
But i was hoping i'd get that treatment
i mean, who wouldn't want it?

Today at school, i was sort of expecting the same thing.

I walk in, my locker is all decorated,
everyone just crowds around me to try to hug me
and stuff like that.

But that's just going a bit too far
into my imagination
and into what i want.

A birthday is a birthday.
It's not only about people celebrating
my birth.

It's also about me giving thanks to God
and my parents
for even creating.

Poor mom.
She must've been thinking
"Thank God I got that thing out of me."

Haha.

It's good to know that when i was born
the whole room was joyful
because my parents always wanted a boy
after having two daughters.
It's hard to admit
but I think I'm a miracle?

Above all I'm a child of God.
That's more than enough
to get me through whatever
I need to get through.

Thank you all
family
friends
for your wishes.
It means the world to me,
and then some.
Thank you so much!

New Year, New Tears

2009-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

So it's January 1st, 2009. Here we go one more time.

Let's start with reflections
of how the past year
and a day
has gone.

To start bluntly
I could not have stayed sane
had it not been for everyone
that stayed right next to me
in every single hardship
that came to spit at me
right in the face
and all i wished
is that these hardships
didn't chew tobacco.

Friends, family, God
I dedicate this all
to you, and You.

Last year was quite the year
in a way that I realized
just way too many things
even though I know
it contributed to my personal being
in such a positive way.

I had rough times
dark times
high times
fun times
ROFL-worthy times
and somewhere
inside of me
something wishes
that it happened again
and redo every wrong thing i've done.

But i guess that's what the new year is for.

For a 16th chance to do what I can
for my friends
my family
my God
myself.

New years resolutions
are kinda pointless
since i don't normally draw on
paper shirts
and claim that
everything i do
is going to be a good thing
because inevitably
it's not.

Something bad is going to happen
but the best part is
only a possibility
if i come out of it the right way.

So 2009, come at me now.

I dare to face whatever you have.

Because I know I'll get something out of it.

Wasted Days, Not So With My Mind

2008-12-30T20:33:00.003-05:00

Okay, so today was interesting, good and bad.

I was hoping today
something would pop up
and then i'd be able to actually
not be rotting bored at home.

But i guess it was one of those days
that i could live with
simply because i got to
think about things a bit.

Anything about the week plans
what songs to be played this week at felly
friendships/relationships
World War II (after watching band of brothers)
my hair
my drumming
and other random things.

And i guess at the moment
what i'm really thinking about
is whether i'm ready
for certain things
that many others
think they are ready for.

In all actuality
they really aren't, are they?

And now in my actuality
am i?

I can say i am
and in all honesty
i think i'm close to home.

And it's feelings that make me think
that it's coming to a point
where i can't contain it
it just has to be applied
now.

Eh, well regardless
thank God for friends
without them
i think i'd be a rotting apple
just waiting to be turned
into bitter coffee beans
just waiting to be turned
into coffee
contributing to bad breath
and loads of crashing energy.

It's all about waiting now
praying
hoping
working at it
and i guess
being the friend
that Jesus was for
the ones that everyone else
thought they didn't deserve.

But really, who does deserve good friends?

It's not that we deserve them
it's that we need them.

So if they need it
i'm going to try
to give it to them.
him
her
everyone i can crash into.

P.S. writing every sentence
as if they were full stanzas
or paragraphs
is actually quite interesting
for me to write.

Just Beat it Down

2008-12-23T23:47:00.001-05:00

So, I got my new drum set today.
And this blog restricts me
from showing just how
HAPPY I seriously am.

I'm going to upload some pictures
tomorrow, hopefully.
And then you can all see just
how beautiful this thing is.
Thank God I've been given ENOUGH talent
to be able to play on this beast.

So this blog is deliberately short.
Because I have not much to say.

But I went to Fairview today.
And I got to hang out with some people
from the Senior TC worship team.
I got to know some people a lot better.
And that, my friends, is ALWAYS better.

Remember When I Was Here?

2008-12-19T19:14:00.002-05:00

It seems like
things have started to get
that much better for them.
Not so much for me,
but love does that, doesn't it?
Find someone, love them,
ignore almost everyone else.
And for the past bit
I've been that "everyone else"

Or maybe it's just me?
Not being gutsy enough
to simply be friends
with the people that
turned into someone else.
But that's just it.
I don't want to know
someone who's just not
"themselves."

I sense it already.
She doesn't know me, I don't her.
He thinks it's alright, it really isn't.
I'm not one to intervene
because I've seen myself do that
enough times to know
that it does nothing.
Especially to people who are just
so madly in love with each other.
And who's to say whether what they do
and what they say
is true? Is actually?

It hasn't been long
and it's already too far.

God. It's Your call again.

Girls, and Eagles, and Evelyn. Oh My!

2008-12-17T21:05:00.002-05:00

So my good friend, Evelyn
or I like to secretly name her Eagle-lyn,
has requested that I dedicate an entire blog about
simply
her.

So.

Why not?

Let us now talk about
this ecstatic creature
that is Evelyn.

Evelyn is a girl.
She is currently 16 (my oh my that's old)
goes to Unionville High School (Old and ghetto school)
in the fabulous grade of eleven (not so fabulous)
and is of Chinese descent, much like me (except I'm MALAYSIAN.)

Evelyn is short, smelly, and looks similar
to a booger, which you can locate
in your nasal tunnel.
I advise you not to dig for treasure there.
You might some hit some trouble.

And of course, I am obviously, just kidding.
Except with the short part.

Evelyn is short, cool as a cat, and
is quite the eloquent individual.
She too write poems and blogs
much like me (copy cat)
and not to mention, most of the time
they are better (...honest here.)

She attends Markham Chinese Baptist Church
much like me again. We are good friends
and like to talk about anything
from music, to God, to birds.
Yes. Birds.

Overall, Evelyn is cool, just like me
except I'm cooler. God loves you still.

On a scale of 1 to Tooth and Nail Records, I give her an incomparable and un-rate-able rating.

Lenses

2008-12-13T00:59:00.002-05:00

Tonight, yes it was.

WTF 2.0 was amazing.
So much better than I
myself had first expected.
The drama was amazing,
the sharing was honest,
and the worship team,
I couldn't be happier with it.

And again, prayer.
It couldn't be stressed
any more than it has.
Prayer was never about
asking and receiving,
it was about speaking up
in all honesty
you can find in hidden
under the rug.

And definitely
the highlight for me,
wasn't even the night itself.
It was my point of self-realization
that I won't get anywhere
if I wasn't even honest to my
own friends.
I spoke out, and I told the truth
I wasn't feeling anything at all.
And tonight, I knew
I just knew
I was back,
I belonged,
I was loved again.

Or maybe I was always loved,
but I just dwelled too far in
to myself in all the depression.
But here I go again.
With all the love
that I could ever ask for.

Friends, family, all,
thank you.
I'm home.

At a Real Loss of Words

2008-12-07T22:45:00.002-05:00

Well what do I say now?

For the last longest forever,
this random lump of dislike had been building
in my heart, where it shouldn't be.
And For the longest time, what do I say?

So I went ranting and raving.
What else do I do really?
I mean I'm one of those guys
who needs to get things out
in any way possible.

So in middle of my ranting and raving,
my good friend, in all honesty and truth
and all love I could even find
had told me the words
that I didn't want to hear,
but I just had to.

"Be the mature Simon I thought I was starting to know..."

So right. And I'm so wrong.
It was great, this friend was just getting
to know the best in me
and when someone discovers the best in you
you can't help but feel
good about yourself.
When they discover that...

And the fact that this friend
had said that she was starting to know me
for the real person that I was
behind all the bad jokes, laughing
cheesiness, all the false fame
that I never really did have.
And now, I kind of shattered that.
She made a joke comment after
but I didn't laugh.
I couldn't.

I'm working hard
to just love this other friend
that built this lump in me.
But it seems like
I broke a promise.
Something I thought I never
could ever do.
And she can say that
she still knows me
But now I'm back to this point where
I don't even know myself.
Who's to blame?
No one. I am? Maybe. Hopefully not.
But I can't laugh.
I couldn't.

I just... couldn't.

Ephemeral Joy

2008-12-04T23:22:00.002-05:00

... Wow I haven't said anything for a while.

Today I kinda realized in myself how close I get to friends,
and it seems like it's only for the happiness
that can only last for so long, right?

I mean,
I have things that can last for so long too.
But who am I to say what it's supposed to mean?
Time has it's own plan for me,
all I can REALLY do is wait it out.

I don't know.
I love all my friends.
Like really, all of my friends.
Whether I hug them, poke them,
beat them up in several different ways
whatever it may be,
I love them all.

Maybe that can explain all this
getting fancy business.
And even though I'm not dating,
or anything of that sort,
nor do I plan on it anytime soon,
half of me is waiting, the other half
wanting.

But plans. PLANS. PLANS.
It's funny how we as humans say we have plans
for something to happen.
When really it's all been written out for you.
And even though different things happen
when you act certain ways,
but it's all there.
Like my letters are all written, typed
so perfectly and in line.

So, I'm waiting. I don't know what,
nor what for. But regardless, I'm waiting for
just results. In any and every
single situation.

Apology Letters to Bring Me Down

2008-11-27T21:19:00.004-05:00

So... yes.

A discussion has been going along
with k-cab over the email.
Many people weren't able to make it to the meeting
that we had planned a month ago
because we haven't met in three months.

And I was SO QUICK to start throwing the rocks
at each other.
That's one thing I absolutely hate
about myself.
Not so much how I was created,
but that I've developed something so...
terrible. How terrible...

So clearly, I realized I had been at fault
after two people had quoted what I said
and then get back at me.
Yes, this is my fault.
No doubt in even my own mind.
There's nothing I can do now.

So, God. Here's your servant,
all broken and unsure of what to do.
It's yours. This body, this life,
this malfunctioning heart,
all of it.
None of it is mine, and it should've never been.
This is what happens when I decide to take things
into my own hands.
Oh.... daring stupidity has stolen me.

"Lost and Insecure
You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded." - The FRAY

I'm exactly in that right now. I'm in a fray.
Ahh... look at what i've done.

Inevitable is Wishful Thinking

2008-11-22T01:02:00.003-05:00

It's a little hard to believe
that some old things
still take a huge place in my life,
especially impatience, i guess.

Sometimes, i think about
how i had made certain decisions
and how it affects the present and the future.
It's almost funny,
because things that i thought would never happen,
DID happen, in a way.

And of course, i wish for other certain things to happen
but even though, far deeper in my heart than usual
i have the feeling that it would never happen,
there's something else inside me
that simply won't let go. And in a way
it's killing me almost. but at the same time
it's almost what just forces to keep going.

Everyone is entitled to their own life.
Nothing I can do nor ever will do
is going to change that. Ever.
But it's still wishful dreaming.

"I want to break every clock,
the hands of time would never move again."

-------------------------------------------

Tonight was a good night.
Everyone in the fellowship actually had a little bit
of alone time, which is somewhat rare.
I worshipped a little bit more boldly today when playing
with Adora. I kind of tapped back to old traditions.

Fear. That's what we learned about.
Fear in earthly things, fear in God.
And though i have the fear of a lot of different things,
i know that it's in God's own hands.
There's only so much that i, as a frail human being,
can do. But I'm trusting in loving hands.
Fragile hands. Creative hands. Whatever you wish to name it.

All i can really say is, i'm good to go.

Found Relief

2008-11-19T20:53:00.002-05:00

Stress has almost left my side.
After making the hard decision of dropping a commitment,
even though yes it did suck,
I feel so much more relieved, and less worry-ful.

I hated it.
Every second of it.
Being stuck and trapped
under the shadow of such insignificant messes.
It only gets my eyes wet, and my breath shortened of satisfaction.
it's a little scary for my personal taste.

But it was a lesson well learned.
I can't say yes to everything.
Sometimes, simply "no" solves all problems.
And problems unforeseen
Lesson well learned indeed.

God, prayers were always a way out.
So here's mine.
Teach me how to discern
what I should and should not commit to.
Sometimes, the answer to so many questions
is found within the mess of decisions
that we get ourselves into.

So God, here we go again
with the ever present discernment
that I never really had.

Beyond Belief

2008-11-16T21:56:00.002-05:00

My goodness, I've never really been this stressed out in my LIFE.
And I probably shouldn't even be writing this blog out, instead I should be doing homework.
But I need to get out of this painful strain and take a moment to breathe.

With homework starting to worry me, and so many extra-curriculars,
I wish so badly that I had turned down somethings that I probably wouldn't need.
My body is aching, not only physically, but mentally.
I fear that I only got sick last time just because of all the completely unneeded amount of stress.

I know for sure that God will provide with strength to push and stuff,
but now I just wish I would learn how to say no.
I can't wait for December to come around,
with so many of my activities happening there,
it'll all be over soon, and I will be able to finally
sit down and do what I REALLY AM supposed to do.
Oh God, my bad.

Free.99?

2008-11-10T21:23:00.004-05:00

For a while I had always been wondering, just what did my own cell group name really mean, after it just stumbled onto our tongues, and we all just seemed to love it?

FREE.99

When it's dissected, there's FREE, and then there's a period, and then 99.

We are FREE. By the grace, love, mercy, you name it, He's got it, of God, we are FREE. That was part of this year's theme for KNA. Freedom and Unity.

The period is there to make it look like a really bad joke of a price tag.

But the 99? At first it was just there to satisfy the whole price tag thing... but I overheard my youth pastor saying how we should look through the 9th verse of every 9th chapter in the bible to fulfill some deeper meaning. With the time that I had, why not?

So I did my research, and here! I found EZRA 9:9.

"Though we are slaves, our God has not deserted us in our bondage. He has shown us kindness..."

(The rest of the verse talks about how God remained by the slaves even with the trouble of the Persians.)

The first bit of that verse really spoke to me. Though we are slaves, in this case, not so much tangibly, to the things we see, to the earth, to ourselves even sometimes, God doesn't desert us from bondage. We are free slaves. Freed, freed, freed, freed, freed.

I kind of find that amazing if anything. There's still a person that will remain with us, through all the smoke, despite all the pain, even when we are so foolish with ourselves, God will not abandon us. Amazing, just because it simply is.

"Slowly Waking with a Breathing Heart"

2008-11-04T21:16:00.000-05:00

So today I was asked what my Facebook personal message meant when I said, "Simon is slowly waking with a breathing heart."

At first thought, I actually didn't know myself. I just thought it sounded cool, and that in some way, it's probably relevant. So I actually thought about what it actually could mean, and this is what I've concluded.

A breathing heart... sounds impossible, right? A breathing organ that has the main objective of pumping blood. But obviously, being the metaphorical person that I apparently am, I never meant it to be like that.

But I was reminded how so many of us, including me sometimes, are living with no real purpose, or maybe no real yearning for wanting to find that purpose in us. Maybe with apathetic thinking, monotonous hearts. Hearts. This is where it all begins.

After all, the bible DID say "where your treasure is, your heart is there" or something like that. Where we strive to be, what we yearn to have, that's our purpose. That's where our heart is.

I've began, or re-discovered, that life isn't just about me. What I want sometimes isn't REALLY what I want. But should my first priority be simply God, then that's where my heart is. And God, being guy He is, even if my heart were to reach Him, I'm not done yet. I know I've got so much more ahead of me than just that. So it's not a one time thing.

When we're in that state of just not knowing where to go, or not wanting to know where to go, that's when, even though we're alive, we're not. Our hearts are beating, but they're not breathing. We're not figuring out the bigger picture. Why? I don't know. Society brain washing? The fear of not making it, maybe even desperation in the wrong places.

"There's more to living than being alive." - Anberlin

It seems like everything can be answered with an Anberlin quote. Hahaha.

I long for the things that can make a better person for the people around me, and for God. I long for the right calling, I long for purpose, heck, I long for the right people to be around with. Friends, eventual girlfriend, etc. It's like, I'm in love before I'm even aware that I am in love with someone. Yeah, it's really confusing.

But thank God, huh? Just for everything, emotion, purpose, all these non-tangible things that are mostly overlooked. Amazing it can be.

And I'm trying to come up with an ending phrase to put at the end of all these posts.... so let's try this.

"So we coughed it for a thousand times.

Let's sing it for a thousand more."

Screaming, "ANBERLIN ANBERLIN"

2008-10-29T00:14:00.000-04:00

So yes, Monday, October 27th, 2008. AMAZING CONCERT! My goodness Anberlin never fails to amaze me.

There For Tomorrow, Straylight Run, and Scary Kids Scaring Kids opened up for them. They were all pretty good in their own way. Although it was weird when my friends were obsessing over the boys. Hahaha. Same human flesh, just better looking apparently. HAHA.

Anberlin came up, and I swear the moment I started to see band members pop up on the stage, I was going to freak out! They are so good live.

But, I must say, one thing almost killed the concert for me. I was standing up front, beside a girl and her friend. During the song "Adelaide" I noticed that the girl's friend had started to bleed everywhere from her head. She was pulled out from the audience and rushed out. The girl I was standing beside started to cry, and I didn't know what to say, nor sing. Literally, I was speechless, and for those few brief minutes, I couldn't sing. All I could tell her was "She'll be alright, I know it." I question now if I was telling the truth that I hope was true, or if I was lying to her, not even knowing how serious the situation may have been. The girl was pulled out to be with her friend, and all I said was, "good luck." Luck... why luck? Why'd I say luck? All I could've said, it was. I prayed for a moment, just for God to simply be with her and her friend. So if by chance, that girl is reading this blog, I sincerely hope and pray that you and your friend are alright, and I pray that God would just be there for you, no matter what happens.

But show must go on right? The rest of the concert was amazing, and they played FIN. My absolute favourite song of all time, next to Paperthin Hymn, and a few others.

We met with the band members of some of the bands a little later after the concert. Met up with Stephen Christian, and amazingly, he remembered the email I sent him from a few weeks ago! I thought with the flood of emails he receives all the time, he wouldn't remember me at all, and he did. Stephen, you are the man. Hope you don't mind if I keep sending you song lyrics for your personal input!

God, thank you for creating such amazing bands and calling them to what they're doing now. Heck, God, thanks for MUSIC in general. Who would have thought that music would take up this much of my time and life? Of course, God will continue to occupy my life, but music is one of the ways that I get to have a nice cup of hot chocolate with Him. Awesome sauce.

"Patron saint, aren't we all lost to you?" - [*Fin] - Anberlin.

Well, anyways, I gotta get to bed, and learn to sleep earlier.

"Se despierta, el alma!"

A Looking-Glass of Worship Night

2008-10-24T22:47:00.000-04:00

Friday. October 24, 2008. Tis a day of joy. A day where I see people open up.

So for a while, KNA had been the fellowship that I took part in. It's an awesome fellowship with awesome people. But there was something missing. Tonight, I think we just may have started to find it.

Today's program was Worship Night. Man, what a night it was. As the title suggests, it was a night filled with worshipping and praying, all that jazz.

But for some reason, it was different. But God really does answer prayers. For so long, we as K-Cab and me personally have been praying for this fellowship, that people would just break out, and be able to find depth in God. Tonight was a beginning.

With so much prayer, so much joy, so much beauty, just... God hit me again.

"You're so brilliant, don't soon forget, you're so brilliant, grace marked your heart"

"This is the correlation between salvation and love, don't drop your arms.

-The Unwinding Cable Car - Anberlin

I think that there's definitely something in all of us that cries out. To some it's evident, other's not so much. My prayer was that we'd all really find that yearning, that desperation for purity and holiness. Although, really, it's quite the impossible task, when you strive for it, it brings out the best in you.

This my prayer, my hope, my goal. For me, my friends, my fellowship, His fellowship. It's in Your fragile hands now.

"Se despierta, el alma!"

And Now That I'm Told?

2008-10-21T16:55:00.000-04:00

For those who don't know, I'm recording an EP sometime maybe in April - May. And if you knew me even more, I'm not in a band, so I decided to solo this one. And in case you didn't know, writing original music is HARD. Like seriously, writing music that sounds at least somewhat unique from other songs out there is something I completely overlooked.

On top of that, there's lyrics to write. I'm a poet, so I thought this portion of the process would've been easier, to say the least. I was right about that much, but it's still really hard. I've tried reading "How to write songs for dummies" books, and it helped me NOT get better. I noticed that for myself at least. So who do I go to for help?

None other than my favourite song writer, Stephen Christian. He's the lead singer of Anberlin, by the way. If you don't know them, check them out. They make solid cd's.

So yes, I emailed him, and he got back to me. And he said to me the perfect advice that I needed in a few words.

"I think the first step for any writer is to be an amazing reader."

And I felt kind of stupid to be honest, for not knowing that first.

So yeah, I'm probably gonna try to borrow some poetry books, and then I'm going to try to get myself into a mad writing phase. We'll see what happens with that.

In other things, today me and my friend got onto the topic of relationships. I don't know how, but we just did.

She was talking about her past relationships and stuff, and I was honest and told her that I was CURIOUS about it, but I don't think I'm ready to have my heart challenged quite yet. Besides, God's got my back. I'm sure he's probably found someone for me, despite my own mind wandering off to other things that may catch me off guard.

I may end up loving or liking other people. whether they be my friends, random girls, family, God has my future written our already. What's there to worry about, other than school?

It snowed today. A little early, but it's amazing. This is when God pulls tricks on the weather man.

I personally am not a fan of snow, but hey, the fact that it's happening earlier than it should be, and I don't mind a few snow days. Haha.

As Cobus (one of my favourite drummers) usually says,

Laus Deo Semper

Mirrors of Thanksgiving Weekend (Wow)

2008-10-18T23:51:00.000-04:00

I wish this note was that simple, just wow. I guess it can if i just type in the words, but in it's entirety, this whole weekend was just a jump in the chest with young hearts. Hearts with all the same motives and objectives.

If anything, I definitely learned to keep my patience. Patience... something that many of us are at a great lack of. And I've experienced first-hand how a lack of patience can completely destroy everything about you.

I don't wanna get into too much detail, because it only ever makes sense when I really explain it, not when a note that I wrote does.

Kicked off the long weekend with a worship practise with KNA. We played a few songs, and all of a sudden, things just started to get ridiculously out of hand. Everything was falling apart, people (more specifically me) started to argue with others, just everything was going wrong.

We stopped and prayed, and then someone started to play music, and it was just our own time to sit still and check ourselves. I don't know why, but we all just started to lose ourself. I guess that's what happens when everyone tries to find something bigger within themselves.

Tears fell like Tetris blocks, hands flew up like birds, and we all just seemed to surrender ourselves to one God. One kind of love. It was there I realized that something was wrong in me. Though I wasn't fully sure what it was yet.

TC Worship/Media Retreat. Wow. I'm so glad and honoured to have met so many amazing, yet still so different people. Anyone from random loud people, to international DOTA players (LAN PARTY!)

But even then with the people, God was there. And he stirred our hearts up, like how Mother Nature stirs up a storm on the oceans. Tears again fell, hands up high, and this time, I found it. Not my strength, not my treasure, but my weakness. Impatience. I don't know why, and of course it sounds so minimal and pointless. But I found out that it was just completely changing every small aspect of me. And I hated it. Every last bit of it.

It was a tug between me and God. God won. And it was there I decided to simply go back to the basic part of it, and simply give my life another try, this time without the impatience and other flaws. I know I won't fully win, but I'm sure as heck gonna try.

So what's up now? I don't know really. The ceiling? The skies? My God, what a world you love so much.

Through all of this, I've come to realize, the heart inside of me, the heart that pumps all the blood for me, the heart that keeps me physically alive, can't live without the one thing that keeps the heart itself a live. A hope. The hope.

"My heart is fixed; O God
My heart is fixed.
I will sing and give praise" - Psalm 57:7

My heart is now fixed. Broken, now mended.

Introductions

2008-10-18T23:48:00.001-04:00

I figured that Facebook isn't the place to put all my honest, simple thoughts into actual readable posts. So here's to the opening of my blog. Hope something here will find meaning in you.